NO MORE FREAKIN' IN-N-OUT

Alright, just exactly what the hell is going on at those In-N-Out burger joints?

One item you might not be aware of (of course who knows... you probably are) would be the "Flying Dutchman." Yes, indeed, there is actually a button on the register for the highly touted mystery meat. The actual burger is comprised of two slices of meat, and two of cheese... that's it. No succulent lettuce wrap. No bun. Nothing. It's wrapped to keep you from really making a mess, but it's just a couple hunks of meat and cheese waiting to slide down yer' throat. While your near-vegan status would make you uninterested in this treat, there is bound to be someone in the Tool family that would enjoy such.

Oh yes, history behind the name... The family that owns the company is Dutch, and one of the sons (both have now passed away at early ages) loved fast cars. Whenever visiting a store, he'd order up the previously described meat puck. His nickname became the name of the burger and the rest is near history.

The whole Xtian thing always bugged the hell out of me. The store manager was a Jesus super freak, and yeah, it just got old..."

It's true. Besides placing notations to Biblical passages on the product packaging (on the undersides of soda cups and nearly hidden on burger wrappers), the California, Arizona and Nevada hamburger eatery has a secret menu that includes burgers made "Animal Style", "Protein Style" and a "Wish Burger" (in which there is no burger patty). The more I researched the Xtian place, the stranger it got. There are five different pointers to Biblical verses including a near apocalyptic reference on the "double-double wrapper."

Because of the high strangeness of the place, my working hypothesis was that the blonde staff members were in reality shape-shifting reptilian aliens only pretending to be good Xtians. In fact, while doing research, when I sent members of my harem through the drive-through to order various things, I would make sure that they were protected by wearing blue lipstick. Since the fast food chain was founded in 1948, and due to the fact that all are privately owned and operated (no franchises), I figured the owner and certain key managers might have been the stranded pilots of the Roswell crash in July of 1947. My suspicions were bolstered after learning that the Blake's "Lot-O-Burger" in Farmington near Aztec and Dulce in New Mexico were recently bought out and converted into... you guessed it, IN-N-OUT. Could it be that these IN-N-OUTs conceal the entranceway to a network of underground tunnels that connect certain secret shadow government facilities? While investigating the various secret menu items, I found out that the staff will make your burger just about anyway you want to design it. WITH ONE EXCEPTION. While there is a 4X4 (four patties and four pieces of cheese) and a 5X5 (five patties and five pieces of cheese), when I attempted to order a 6X6X6 (six patties with six pieces of cheese on six buns, a custom secret menu item I call "The Beast 666") they wouldn't make it for me. Although the blonde kid at the drive up window said it was too difficult to get the bun placement right, I think I was refused for other, more Xtian reasons. Well, needless to say, there went my reptilian alien hypothesis.

Others should try ordering the 6X6X6 and e-mail me the results. I have not yet closed the books on IN-N-OUT. This is an on-going investigation in an attempt to get the truth about these most bizarre hamburger eateries.