Parental Disrection IS advised
Lately I've discovered a new phenomenon that coincides with my age. A while back I went to two different parties and was asked at both parties to mind my language around children. I'm not some loud mouth that swears like a pirate with gonorrhea (And don't listen to Gris...He'll disagree with me on that point). One of these examples was completely founded, the other simply pissed me off.
Friday night I went to my friends surprise party. I was hanging out with an assortment of different kinds of people who would be regarded as being outside the realms of popular normalicy. And in the course of the evening I said "Fuck" in passing. I think along the lines of "So I was walking and saw this car...it was really fucking nice." The hostess of the party whose house it was reminded me that there was a child, hers in fact, present. I acknowledged it and watched my language around the girl. For the most part I left and went outside where most of the adults were. My thinking is that it's her house and I have to respect that. She's a sweet girl whom I've known for a long time and I kinda let one slip. No harm no foul, even though I think it's kinda odd to have children at a party with drinking adults present talking about god knows what.
Then there's Saturday night. I was invited to my friend's house where she was cooking up one of her amazing dinners that stuff you to the gills. The people present at this party were all special effects people who do tons and tons of work in the entertainment industry and these guys talk saltier then pirates. I had asked what I should bring and the hostess had told me to bring whatever I wanted to drink. When I arrived with my bottle of Jack Daniels I started having Jack on the rocks. So the hostess arrives with some food and I let the word "Shit" escape my mouth. I get a quick reprimand because one of the guys had brought his then fiancé and her 8 year old daughter. Now mind you, this cat is as crass as the next motherfucker, but hey, I'm a guest and I say screw it. Be nice.
So during the evening I was talking about some guy at work and I said the word "Asshole". The hostess looks at me and in front of the entire table tells me to watch my language and she emphasizes like I'm a retard "B E C A U S E T H E R E I S A C H I L D P R E S E N T." Now I'm itchin' to give some back so I try to explain that the word asshole is now used on TV regularly (Don't you ever watch the "Asshole Group" or my favorite "Asshole Squad"?). Well, the guy who brought his soon to be kid says "Well, if he keeps it up I'm gonna huck this beer at him." Now he's trying to be a tough guy!!! "Instant Daddy Just add dick!" Well sod that! I sneer back "That would be a really neat trick..." Looking at him like I want to wear his asshole like a sock. I say under my breath something really vulgar and go inside to watch T.V. with a couple of the other guys who probably have the same thing on their mind, mainly how you can't talk about "Cocks" and "Pussies" around pre-teens. I guess it makes Satan fly into them via their anuses (Or is that Anusi? ) and cause them to go to Burning Man and enjoy the savory taste of mancock.
So the dejected few of us are watching some bad horror flick called "Frankenfish" or some shit. And the hostess comes in and puts her hands on her hips and asks me kind of shittily "Why aren't you outside meeting people? Why are you in here?"
Sweet Jeezus I could have killed her! All I could do was look at her stupidly and think "No way...No fucking way..."
I pretty much left right after that. Angry like all hell...
Now, I know that you should watch your mouth around kids. I try to mind my manners all of the time. I open doors for assholes on their cell phones who ignore you. I smile at people who look at me like I've got a dozen frog assholes on my cheeks. I let people have the right away at stop signs as they wave me on like I'm wasting their fucking time. I try... I really do. But this children's hour at adult parties really urks the moldy fuck out of me. That's why now if I go to a party and there are children present I just about face and beat a path right the fuck out of there. I don't know about you, but partying with... oh, I don't know... 8 YEAR OLDS doesn't seem like fucking fun to me!
It's kind of like when people bring their goddamn kids to rated R films because they're too goddamn cheap to get a baby sitter. And then their kids start crying and they sit there because "They don't want to miss the good part". Fuckers I say!!! Now they're crapping up my good time because they are too lame to be A) smart enough to be good parents and B) too cheap to get a babysitter!!!
On the other hand you have the "crusading douche-bag" parents. These fucking twits are the same ones who want to make sure their little darlings don't ever see a tit, hear Howard Stern or hear the word "Fuck" because it's society's role to raise their little bastards. They'll try to get rid of all of the stuff I like in life. I like seeing people's heads blowing up...I like seeing female pink parts...I like it when people say "Cocksucker" or "Cunt" in a movie...I like movies with Satan in it. A movie with all of that? I'm soooo there!!! So instead of parenting like...oh...PARENTS are SUPPOSED to, they let everyone else do it for them by trying to make the world a "Disneyrific children's paradise".
So...there you have it. Keep your kids away from me then I promise they won't hear me say anything too wrong.
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